Good morning, Madam President. May I introduce you to the ambassador of Java?
Oh. Thank you.
Because, after all, what is a travel mug but a closet for your coffee?
And boom, our next promotional giveaway.
Wow. Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom jeans,
it's like I'm married to Steve Jobs.
I did hear you banging out e-mails till all hours last night,
so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be repurposed
as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers.
Thank you. Don't forget we've got drinks later.
Right. Any specific joke areas I should stay away from?
Oh, no, don't worry about it. It's mostly just me and the guys talking business.
Hey, you using those spin classes I got you?
Yeah. I went twice last week. You can't tell?
Sure, I can.
The best part about taking over my dad's company--
I am now a powerful white male, and I love it.
I totally get now why we don't want anyone else to have what we have.
Honey, before I take off for work,
I saw this, and I thought of you.
What is it?
It's a key? Yeah, it is.
It is a key. But a key to what?
No! No!
- You got me a PhunkeeDuck? - No more walking for my man.
Walking's for jerks.
Oh, my God! That is the best gift ever!
I don't know where it stops and I begin!
# Hey, hey #
# Hey #
Where is it? Where is it?
You know, these cheese cubes keep getting smaller every week.
I should start saving these to prove my point.
Wow, am I retired.
It's there! It's beautiful!
A little revealing. I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot sauce.
That's why I wore Jordache jeans in my old closet ads.
- But a little much, isn't it? - It's obviously working.
The store said that they put out 100 bottles of my sauce,
and half of them are gone.
Oh! Oh, my.
Auntie Alice.
She's a hot sauce legend.
Her level-three sauce has a picture of a rooster exploding.
I have to go meet her.
Hey, guys, take a pic.
Hey, get out of here! That's my wife!
Ay. I am a huge fan.
I have read your life story on your label a thousand times.
Is it true that your father crashed his pepper truck into a papaya tree
and the legend was born?
You're asking me if something's real?
I can't believe that that cutout's an actual person.
Oh, yeah.
- Miles? - Oh, hey, Jay.
Uh, trying to read a text.
They keep the lights in here so low
so they don't have to rotate the produce.
- Don't give me that. - I'm sorry, man.
I've been so lonely since Reynetta left.
Gloria picked your mom up at the airport once.
Got it. Pablo! Not cool.
But... you told me to grab the whipped cream.
You're a deacon.
Honey, foot rub.
Pass.
Okay, there it is again!
I'm telling you, something weird is going on up there.
We're renting our upstairs unit to earn a little extra cash
and add a little extra tension to our marriage.
Our current guests registered as Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson and Tommy.
I was expecting a nice young couple and their little boy.
Oh. Hello. You--
So, you-- you must be Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson?
- That's right. - So you're Tommy?
- He is. - Welcome.
- Cam, let's help them with their trunk. - No!
No? Oh. Okay, well, uh, here is the key.
Here you are. Thank you.
Yes. Tommy?
O-kay. What is that all about?
I mean, three adults? Why doesn't Tommy have a last name?
Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their captive?
Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive? Is the captive in the trunk?
So there has to be a captive?
Lately, we've been getting negative reviews from some of our renters.
Don't say it.
They tend to follow the common theme that the "bigger one" is "nosy."
While others say the "orange fella" is "standoffish" and "cold."
Who says that? I'm saying it now.
Oh.
Okay, we need to find out what that is.
Cam, stay out of their business, all right?
If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting to chain smokers
and pregnant foreigners trying to have their babies in America.
Mark down the time. I just turned into my father.
- I'm going up. - Cam.
Cam, what are you doing?
I am checking on our guests.
Hello! Oh, all three of you.
Uh, just stopped by to see if you guys need some fresh-- fresh towels.
We're fine. Thank you.
Uh, yes, you were gonna say something?
You saw that, right? Mrs. Wilkerson was giving me the distress signal.
She was like--
Come on.
Cam! Us again.
Just triple-checking to see if you need some hand soap,
a chance to talk to one of us alone, some muffins.
Really, we're fine. You don't have to keep checking.
Help!
She did not say "help." So you did hear it.
Congratulations.
Drive safely.
Woo-woo! Get it, Luke!
What are you doing? Interviewing California's newest licensed driver.
Stop. No more Friday nights at home.
Now you can drive around alone.
Let's just go so I can drop you off at your thing.
What is wrong with you? You're acting like you work here.
- Excuse me? - Okay, we can go.
Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new screen saver.
Will do, Parker.
Speaking of two-dimensional women who know a thing or two about sauce,
stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom for me.
I know you were bothered by that cutout.
But every teenager gets teased, and you have to rise above it, so--
Your mother's in the trunk. What?
I couldn't stand the ogling and the selfies, so I stole it, for both our sakes.
- We're in this together. - How? I didn't steal it.
Oh, I see where this is goin'. You complain and complain.
I make the problem go away, and you had nothing to do with it.
I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this.
Let's not turn on each other. It'll make us sloppy.
I need your help to get rid of it.
God knows I've already tried.
Son of a--
What if we get caught?
Bring it back. Tell them you were upset.
Maybe they cut us a deal. Get a grip on yourself, kid.
We take it home, saw it into a million pieces. It'll be like she never existed.
How long has that Parker kid been bothering you, by the way?
- Bothering me? - I love that guy.
And so do a lot of other people.
A lot of cool storage solutions coming out of Asia, huh?
Yeah, there really are.
But I think you might be even more interested in what's been coming out of Cuba.
Hey-oh!
Is she the best or what?
Shall we, hmm? Let's do it.
Mm-hmm. You know what, honey? We are just gonna talk about work.
Why don't you stay, have another drink, huh?
Oh. Well, you don't have to twist my arm. What do you say, ladies?
Another round of Sapphire sins? Oh, yes, please.
- Phil, you are just so much fun. - Thank you.
It is so nice to hear those words come out of a man's mouth.
Tell me about it. Ever since Kyle got that promotion, he barely acknowledges me.
Come on, now. I'm sure he knows how lucky he is.
You have the twins, a spotless house, killer yoga arms.
Aw. Uh-uh. This happens all the time.
They get on their track to success, and you become the invisible housewife.
I don't know about all the time.
Sitting with all those gals, I thought, "Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume."
And also, "Am I on my way to becoming an invisible housewife?"
No way. There'd be signs, right?
Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for ya.
That's nice. I had a steak at the club. But I wouldn't knock a scotch out of your hands.
Sure thing. Hey, is now an okay time to go over this list of house stuff?
Mm-hmm. Let's see.
Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't care.
Guess who got the big listing on Westmount today?
Oh, that's great, sweetie. It'll keep you busy.
Is that a new bracelet?
Oh, yes, it is. Ooh!
Jim bought it for me after our last big fight.
I was on him about taking all those business trips.
That's what they do. Throw some new piece of jewelry at you to keep you happy.
Mm-hmm. Not that I'm complaining.
Ooh, hello. Oh.
Right?
Okay, what is wrong with you? You got your license!
You tricked them into saying you're 5'11". You should be celebrating.
Why? I failed the test twice before this because I can't parallel park.
That's why we went all the way out to that DMV. They don't make you do it there.
So? I failed twice too. I still don't get merging.
Getting your license is not a huge accomplishment. Especially not in this family.
I understand that. Nothing we do is worth celebrating compared to Alex.
Exactly. Genius Alex studying space stuff at Caltech.
"I'm Alex. I'm so smart. I'm making medicine out of moondust."
I thought she was building a... time-shrinking machine?
Time-shrinking machine.
My point is, is that I know how you feel.
You know that thing you're going to drop me off at?
I'm picking up my college diploma.
You're graduating?
Haley, you didn't tell anyone?
It took me three and a half years to finish a two-year program.
At least I think I'm finished. They might be releasing me due to overcrowding.
It's still a big deal.
Doesn't matter anyways. I'll never make it on time.
Graduation starts, like, now, and we're 20 minutes away.
We'd need Alex's time machine.
Hey. Four cylinders and no points on my license? You're in a time machine.
Oh. Okay.
Oh, good. Mom's car is gone. All right.
My handsaw's in the garage. You'll hold her down, I'll cut the head--
Jay! Oh!
My car got a flat tire, so it got towed. I need a ride to Phil's.
He's helping me finish my sauce Web site.
- Manny, papi, why are you crying? - I'm not.
Ooh, I got another e-mail from the store.
I bet you that I sold another--
What the hell? Somebody stole my cutout.
Stolen? Damn it!
There's no point in replacing it because it's just gonna get stolen again.
I can't replace it.
It took two weeks just to get the mechanical hand working right.
Oh, wait till I catch this rat.
I'm going to make him regret that he was ever--
Ay, Jay, turn the heater on. I can hear Manny's teeth chattering.
What is that noise?
I don't hear anything.
What is that thumping noise?
Manny, go check the trunk.
Uh, I don't really feel like getting my hands dirty, Jay.
Your hands are plenty dirty already, buddy boy.
Go deal with it.
I am going to find who did this, Jay, and I'm going to make him hurt.
Every thief makes a mistake.
Gloria, you're letting this get to you.
You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song.
Now, let's-- let's get that going.
I hate him.
# Quack, quack, quack Join the duck parade #
I want blood!
# Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle Watch them wade #
# Tail up, head down Shake your feathers all around #
# Everybody's smiling at the duck parade #
With the dance.
# Quack, quack, quack Join the duck parade #
# Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle Watch them wade #
# Tail up, head down Shake your feathers all around #
# Everybody's smiling at the duck parade #
This grainy security footage is all the store sent?
Mm-hmm.
I feel like I know him, Phil.
Whoever it is, it looks like they want to get caught.
He keeps going back for cheese cubes. I can't watch this anymore.
Let's just work on my Web site, okay? Sure.
I'm late for an appointment. Can you do me a favor?
If it's to put flowers in the bathroom, I already did.
- Oh, I hadn't noticed. - Not surprised.
Okay, I was supposed to get this client a bottle of scotch.
I haven't had time to do it myself. Can you pick one up and bring it to the office?
Whatever you need. I have to go out for a haircut anyway.
Great. Except I got a haircut yesterday.
Okay. Wow. This kitchen really is a mess, huh?
Mmm. I'm off.
Don't.
Excuse me, Gloria.
Apparently, I don't know how to keep a kitchen clean.
- What is that? - It's just a little hush-up gift from my powerful wife,
who thinks she can take me for granted.
And I'll just hover after her like a little puppy dog.
You have to stop putting up with it.
I was married to the last person that had that job.
I know how caught up they can get on Closet This, Closet That.
The online retailer? Claire's worried about them.
They don't mean to ignore you, but it will only get worse.
One time, when I had just married Jay,
I spent a whole day cooking his favorite dinner.
Beef Wellington and a baked potato with all the fixin's?
Yes. And then when he got home, he barely noticed what I had made.
So I took the emerald pendant that he had bought me
for the three past dinners that he had missed,
and I threw it at his head.
I told him, "I don't need fancy things. I need the respect."
- Isn't that an emerald pendant? - It made its way back to me.
But the point is that you have to make a statement.
You have to give back the hoverboard.
You know what? I hate to admit it, but you're right.
Uh-oh.
- Phil. - This happens.
You just got to let the battery run out.
Was it my imagination, or were we sideways for a while?
Hey, you're not late. Thanks.
Hey, promise me you'll go celebrate with your friends?
I will. Go.
You can do this. It's not that hard.
Please, please, please.
Forget it!
We're out of stamps. I'm heading to the post office.
Do you need anything? No, I'm good.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, just a little research.
"Wilkersons plus adults Tommy plus mysterious trunk."
Okay, now try Googling "irrational meddling plus homosexual."
Okay, Mitchell, what if they're a part of some weird cult?
Remember that 20/20 we watched where they infiltrated that ritual ceremony,
and Elizabeth Vargas had to almost sacrifice a squirrel?
I went through the bag they dumped in the trash.
Oh... hi.
Now you're involving our daughter?
I don't know what she's talking about.
Okay, you know what?
You need to get out of the house. Go get the stamps. And a hobby.
Okay, well, they're in our home, and I'm just trying to protect our family.
- I don't want to wake up dead. - I can't believe I have to say this to you again.
- You cannot wake up and be dead. - It's an expression.
It's not.
Daddy should not have involved you in his snooping.
So you don't want me to tell you what I found in here?
No.
Well, of course I looked.
And inside I found latex gloves, a bottle of bleach, heavy-duty tarp.
I've never killed anyone and cleaned it up, but that sounds like a kit.
So as soon as I saw them drive off in their windowless murder van, I ran upstairs.
Oh, my God.
What are you?
- The people are back. - Shh!
Is this gonna be a daily thing now, Tommy, losing your phone?
Oh, thank God.
Wait. Where are you going?
Hey. Um, what's up? I'm still getting stamps.
Look to your left.
- What are you doing? - I'm hiding. They're here.
I came up to see if anything weird was going on.
Did ya? Were you curious? Gettin' a little nosy?
- Not the time. - What are these creepy things?
If these dolls could talk.
They'd tell you I dropped one and their head came off.
- You have to put it back. - Maybe they won't notice one's missing.
Yeah, this seems like a casual interest.
Here they come. I'll create a distraction so you can get back in there.
I simply invited them to a complimentary cocktail hour.
Even possible satanists enjoy a triple-cream Brie and a crisp chardonnay.
So, what brings you all to town?
We're here for the Chuckle Chums convention.
I'm sorry. The-- The Chuckle Chums?
They're a line of ceramic figurines. We're avid collectors.
Oh.
Well, that sounds fun. Yeah.
Every year we gather together with like-minded Chum lovers to share our favorite pieces.
Yes? You-- You want to say--
- Help! - Oh, bless you, darling.
You've probably guessed I'm the figurine restorer.
We're so excited. Ours is this year's featured collection
because of its size and pristine condition.
I hope the industrial polisher we brought wasn't too loud.
No, we can't hear anything that goes on upstairs.
Okay.
Okay. All right.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
No, no! Oh, God, no!
Hmm.
Fortunately, Chuckle Chums aren't all that expensive to replace.
They're mainly just an excuse for lonely people to go outside.
Point is, we learned our lesson. No more snooping.
Absolutely. Although we still don't have an explanation
for those creaky floorboards in the middle of the night.
Heavy-footed going one way, light coming back.
Was it Tommy joining his Chums for a ménage à trois,
then being replaced by Mrs. Wilkerson on the couch?
Okay, you need-- Help!
Marcus Caldwell.
Haley Dunphy.
Woo-woo! Yeah, Haley!
Yeah! Oh.
You idiot.
Son of a bitch.
I broke two saw blades on this thing, and now these miracle shears are no good.
Guy who sold me these at the front door cut through a horseshoe.
- Let's try your shredder. - What's that doing down here anyway?
I made an executive decision about some of Joe's lesser artwork.
Help me lift this thing.
Hey, it's working. The best shredder money can buy.
In 2004, our whisper-close hamper technology got stolen out of the trash,
got sold on the dark Web.
- Never again. - Oh, no. It's stuck.
¡Hola!
Hey-oh! - Hey, you're back early, huh?
Yeah, I didn't want to go back to that store and get angry again.
I just want to relax. Yeah.
- Manny! - Uh, yes, mamá?
Ay, can you please draw me a bath with those fancy bath salts that you have?
Oh, I usually save those for spec-- Just draw the damn bath.
- I'll get you a nice glass of wine to go with it. - Oh, okay.
Come on, honey. I got a nice chardonnay out here you're gonna like.
Is that Stella?
No, definitely not.
- What did you bring? - Gloria, wait.
- Oh! - Gloria, don't be mad.
It must have been that old witch, Auntie Alice!
She must have left this as a warning.
Devious. Dang it. I got my fingerprints all over it now.
I bet she was the one who gave me that flat tire.
Who are you calling?
Florecita, necesito que me haga una vuelta.
Auntie Alice. What was that?
She's going to pay.
You don't even know it was her. You got to call it off.
I know it was her. I saw evil in her eyes. She probably has cataracts.
Oh, for God's sake, Gloria, I did it. I stole the cutout.
You? I didn't love the way those guys were taking pictures with it.
Jay, but you've never been jealous like this.
When we first met, but then I realized it's a full-time job. I'm sorry.
There's nothing wrong with being protective of your wife.
It means that you care.
Is something bad happening to that poor woman?
I don't know details. I let them decide. They don't like to feel managed.
I'm begging you to make that call!
Auntie Alice spoke at career day at my high school.
Hello?
No, we didn't order flowers. That's them.
Tell them "no tulips." Uh, "no tulips."
They hung up. Good thing that I remembered the code.
Okay, now, my-- big jealous man.
Let's go and have some wine.
I don't know why that cutout bugged me so much.
I guess probably 'cause I have more time now to be jealous.
Okay, now, you have more time to take me upstairs
and show me what those bad men were doing to me at the store.
I'm getting back to liking retirement.
I told you to say no roses, right? Tulips!
I'm sure it's fine.
So, how does it feel to be a college graduate?
Pretty damn good. I worked really hard. All of the lectures...
Congrats. Oh, thanks.
Who was that? I want to say my history professor.
So, where should we go get drinks?
You know I'm underage, right?
No, you are not, Daniel Chu.
Wow, two licenses in one day.
Hey, this guy's only 5'10". They'll never believe it's me.
We should do this more often.
You mean be losers together? No, not losers.
Just slower winners. It takes us a while, but we get there.
Eventually.
Here's the scotch you asked for.
Also, there's something else. I'm returning the hoverboard.
- Fine. I think the receipt was in the box. - O-kay.
Good. Because I can't accept a gift if it's just a shiny servo-controlled substitute
for respect and appreciation.
I'm not invisible, Claire.
You married a strong and capable man who-- Can you help me with this clasp?
Claire?
Honey? No. Don't cry.
I can keep it if you want. I can't return it anyway. I already dented it.
No, it's not that. It's-- It's not. It's just all of this.
I'm so stressed.
Phil, I've never been a boss before, and I am freaking out.
But you've handled it so well. I am faking it, Phil.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just copying my dad.
The steak, the scotch, the cigars.
Do you have any idea how bad the heartburn is?
But you just got here. Give it a little time.
There is no time. I'm in charge now.
I live every day in constant fear of everyone discovering that I'm a fraud.
Oh, my God. I really am a powerful white male!
Hey, you are not a fraud.
I haven't had the guts to sit at my dad's desk since he left.
I still feel like the little girl who used to play hide-and-seek under it.
Look.
This is your desk now. You've earned it.
You are not a little girl anymore.
In fact, you're the strongest, smartest woman I know.
The hardest company in the world to run is Dunphy Co.,
and you kept us in business for 22 years.
I don't worry about you in this job.
I worry about the poor chump who has to follow you.
Everyone is here for your meeting, Claire.
Knock 'em dead, boss. Uh, Phil, wait. Oh!
Oh, sorry. Thank you...
for everything.
Thank you. And I'm sorry if I don't say it more.
Come here.
I guess you want to get rolling on your meeting.
Mmm. I'll just duck out.
Take it. Thank you.
Claire?
I love you.
- Okay, Margaret. - No, no, let me spin!
It's worse if you try to help.
Send 'em in.
Phil? Oh, no. Not again.
- Should we wake him up? - I read the instructions.
It says not to.
Hello.
What?
Don't worry. I'm a Realtor.
I'll be right there.
- I have a really early meeting. - I'm on it.
Thank you.
Captioned by Captions, Inc.